Warning: Before reading today’s blog post, be aware that I’m on a rant as I’m tired of spending the past 6 days in deep freezer mode here on the East Coast. I most likely am vitamin D, C, A, Z deprived and any other compound in between that I’m lacking from not feeling the sun’s warmth!
So… as I mentioned above, my neck of the woods has been experiencing colder than normal winter temperatures for the past 6 days due to a low pressure of Artic air that’s stuck over the region. For example, when I dragged my sorry butt out of bed this morning, it was -34C with wind chill factored in (around -29F for those of you who don’t use the Celsius system). Now that’s a tad chilly by anyone’s thermometer and since I don’t own a fur coat (don’t believe in them) by choice I’ve stayed indoors, gazing at the bright sunshine that isn’t providing a smidgen of warmth through the windows of my home. (I should add that my poor electric furnace is also getting a work-out and I’m afraid that the wheel on the meter is spinning so fast that it’s going to pop off its axis and slice through the glass casing!)
Anyhow, I digress from the point of this rant.
To try and combat the cold, 4 days ago I dug through my dresser drawers in search of some heavyweight winter tights that I have for just these occasions. In my childhood days, these were referred to as leotards, but in today’s advanced fashion terms, tights seem to be the more acceptable term. However, there’s one slight problem – I only have a couple of pairs of these winter wonders and this morning after my shower I discovered both were in the dirty clothes hamper. Uh oh…
But wait! After a little digging through aforementioned dresser drawer, I found a brand spanking new pair of ‘patterned’ tights just waiting to be unwrapped from their hermitically sealed plastic covering. I vaguely remember buying them last spring at an end of winter clearance event and had never put them to use, but today was going to be the day they saw the light. (Or darkness under my jeans to be more precise.)
Now the following description may be too vivid for some people to handle, so if you’ve no sense of humour, stop reading here.
I unfolded the beautiful jacquard patterned black tights, easing them lovingly over my toes and then rolling them up my thighs… and that’s when the elastic hit the fan. These totally posh tights STOPPED an inch short of my umm nether region! I started pulling with all my might but nope, they weren’t budging. By this time I’m sweating from the exertion of trying to haul up the now obnoxious pair of too-tight tights and I’m ready for my second shower of the day.
In a fit of rage, I grab the package to see what possible size these thigh huggers are and there on the label lies the culprit: ONE SIZE FITS ALL.
Okay. Who the BLEEP is ‘One’ and how come HER measurements are used as a gauge for the rest of us? One isn’t even a prime number for heaven’s sake! I remember from the movie The Matrix that ‘Neo’ was determined to be The One, and frankly at this point of trying to get these stupid tights on, I was going to need a miracle of futuristic proportions in order to get them on my body!
I say we outlaw the ONE SIZE FITS ALL labelling of garments because it never does. Same goes with hats. That label equates to them being either too small or too big on me and I’ve yet to find sweaters that fit perfectly bearing that tag as well.
Let’s start a movement, ladies, to get this stupid ‘no size’ label off clothing now! How about we get rid of it and create ‘MIGHT FIT’ or ‘NO WAY HONEY’ labels instead? They might be a tad more accurate and at least not give one false hope that the garment may cover whatever body part it’s meant for.
I did manage to scrounge another older much worn pair of tights from another drawer which fit just fine. But get this: the tag on this pair says ‘Large – Tall.’ I’m 5’ 3” (and that’s pushing it) so perhaps the labelling on what constitutes tall is a tad off as well.
So, what’s the moral of this story? Don’t buy anything labelled ONE SIZE FITS ALL unless you’re 110% positive that you’re the ‘one’ who was directly involved in the construction of said garment. Either that or just take your chances and be ready for an extra workout in the morning trying to get the @#*! on J
Stay warm everyone!